Saturday, February 28, 2009

This is by far the worst...

Okay, let's examine this one, shall we? Just because something is entirely handcrafted, doesn't mean that you're getting a unique bargain or impressive piece of art. Seriously, people... The fact that this ended up at a Goodwill is beyond me because I don't even think normal thrift stores would take this!

I can only guess that this was taken from the finest trailer and the envy of the entire court. It appears to be put together from a piece of horrible 70s wood paneling (a broken one at that... Notice how this creator cleverly taped the top tip), perhaps the most dull color of playdoh ever, and a pen and paper with a random bible quote. At least they know how to spell, right?

This one will definitely go down as the most pointless, half-assed piece of thrift store nightmare garbage I've ever seen.


Thursday, February 26, 2009

It's a miracle the North won...

Take one look at this:

Union soldier or sideshow freak? Why would the US Army recruit this deformed asshole?
Take a closer look:

I don't quite understand this one, because it was obviously carved by a drunken redneck, but why on earth would a drunken redneck carve a Union soldier?


Sunday, February 22, 2009

Does anybody else find this offensive?

I mean how much more stereotypical could the maker of this doll actually have made it? Perhaps they could have incorporated a bottle of syrup and a stack of pancakes to go with it? And what is up with the blank face? In general that blank face is enough to make me run... I have this strange feeling that this doll is cursed somehow. Either way, I'm glad this wasn't a purchase that we made.


Saturday, February 21, 2009

Keep out if you know what's good for you...

Okay, let's thoroughly examine this horrifying scenario. It's quite apparent that there is some unwanted incest going on, and you totally know that the poor little sister was molested violently with that stick the boy is holding. Just look at that little bastard's evil expression! I'm not sure, but also I feel that maybe there was a victim beforehand. Just look at the little kid or doll lying behind the girl. Yeah, there's no questioning this. That boy has some severe issues.


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

What in the...?

It looks like something Picasso would have made if he ate peyote and got drunk and decided to paint cheap ceramic crap from Hobby Lobby.

I'm taking bets on whether this is a dog or a cow. Logic would dictate that it's a cow, but half of the people I've asked say it's a dog.


Monday, February 16, 2009

If it's from the 80's and it's horrible...

I have to write about it. Check out this board game I recently found:

Look! It comes with a cassette tape so you can hear the play-by-plays! Ugh, the homoerotic tension on the front of this box alone is think enough to stick a fork in it.


UPS Santa

Because there is nothing more exciting than opening a bunch of plain brown boxes for Christmas!!!

I don't know about you, but the idea of children running up to this guy screaming, "Santa, Santa, Santa!" is not exactly the best one. After all, chances are that this guy has a prison record and likely hates his life for working for such a piss poor company. He'll not only kick your fragile packages around in his sleigh, but also kick the shit out of any toddlers that even look at him twice.

UPS Santa is not that cheerful, jolly old man we're used to... He's a modern, alcoholic, Nascar watching hick with no time to deal with naughty or nice lists. Don't piss him off!


Sunday, February 15, 2009

My old lady...

Many hicks and uneducated white men commonly refer to their wives or significant others as their "old lady". A lot of people find it acceptable to acknowledge the flaws that come with their woman's appearance in the morning without their regular amounts of makeup and well-groomed hair. There is often a chuckle exchanged when speaking of the hideous appearance and a glare from the woman. My advice to the women who casually have to deal with this type of behavior is to leave their old man behind and replace themselves with this:

This way the man can actually wake up with an old lady, but in a pillow form!

I also have an image painted in my head where this pillow was accepted with great amounts of love by some lonely guy who may have been socially awkward. He probably propped it up on some milk crate body with TV antenna arms and made a very special voice for it.

Yeah, this pillow just weirds me out in general... No one should have to wake up next to this.


Friday, February 13, 2009

What is it!?

I don't know whether I should laugh or feel sorry for the fact that this piece ended up in a thrift store... Obviously this has to be some sort of reject high school drop out's art project in a sad attempt to create a bong... Of course they did it wrong and that's why it ended up at the Salvation Army. Or perhaps it was some retarded kid's masterpiece thrown out by their ungrateful mother. Was it supposed to be a vase? If it was I don't think many flowers lasted inside it... Or maybe even some random weirdo tried to make a cast of his oddly shaped penis. I don't know folks... This one is just... perplexing. Either way, you have to kind of feel a bit of sorrow with this one. You just know that no one will ever buy it and somehow you know that it never even had a good home. Poor oddly shaped blob of clay... It never had a chance.


Depressing Dogs and Dead Ducks

Over the past couple of days, I have noticed a recurring item in the thrift stores I've been visiting. For some reason, some people think it's classy to create an artistic rendition of a dog carrying a dead duck. I can't really follow the train of thought here. I'd imagine that these works are trying to portray dogs as loyal followers of man, but if you really think about it, the real theme here is bleak and depressing. I imagine only trailer park folk would find this to be art, much like they see art in a bust of Elvis made from cigarette butts and spent shotgun shells. For your enjoyment:

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

These boots were made for walking....

Perhaps one of the most frightening things about finding thrift store nightmares is the simple realization that somewhere at some time some poor S.O.B. owned that particular nightmare out of sincere interest. This one for example... I can play the scenario in my head quite clearly.

"Oh honey look! We're in Texas! Let's buy this adorable, representative mug to capture this memory forever! That way everyone will know that we went to Texas!" From this point a couple purchases this mug, likely marked up way more than it's worth, and goes home only to drink from it once. Ten years pass and they glance upon this mug pushed to the back of their cabinet, hidden by all the other "World's Greatest Dad" and faded cat mugs. "What the hell is this crap? Who let this into the house!?" Then you see folks, the end of the first chapter of this mug's life comes and its new life into the Salvation Army shelves begins. It's likely that this coffee mug will walk its way into some old lady's heart next week, but for now it remains just a nightmare of sorts... I mean, come on, we're staring at a coffee mug with legs after all...


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Oh Tard Barbie... Just how low will you sink?

"I talk through a hole in my throat"

Yep folks, that's right... We've come across her once again at an entirely different thrift store. I was really hoping Tard Barbie would clean up her act and drop that nasty meth habit, but unfortunately, as you can see by the massive amounts of track marks across her chest, she's only picked up an even nastier heroin problem. Not only that, but it appears as though she's also been forced to receive a tracheotomy from her rough lifestyle of smoking nonstop and she's without her clothes, indicating that she's stooping to all sorts of lows to afford these pesky habits. Oh Tard Barbie... It saddens me to see you at this state. Heres hoping some nice kid will buy her and give her a more positive upbringing...


Monday, February 9, 2009

Record Roundup - Roger Whittaker

If you hang out at thrift stores as much as I do, you'll get to know Roger Whittaker fairly well. He's a veteran of those piles of crappy records that no one ever buys nor ever will buy. Just take a look at this douche:

If you're familiar with this blog, you'll know what I'm thinking...

Side part: Check
Mustache: Check
Horrible 70's Glasses: Check

Just from picking up this album, I knew what contents awaited me inside. I have never been wrong about a creepy guy whose face is all over an album cover like this. Just listen:

Game, set, and match. Damn I'm good.


Tough Love

I'd like to switch gears for a bit here on Thrift Store Nightmares. Normally, we bring you pictures of funny worthless crap from thrift stores, but right now I'd like to analyze the text of today's thrift store nightmare.

I'd like you to meet the book Tough Love, straight out of some old religious guy's house:

Oh man, I'm scared already. "When you can't reach troubled teens, can't even live with them... its time for TOUGH LOVE." Let's see... I'm pretty sure this is from the 80's...

Sounds about right. The first time I picked up this book, I didn't quite know what to expect. I mean, surely this book would be a legitimate self help manual to increase the communication between teens and parents everywhere! No dice. I found myself doubled over in laughter on page six. The book immediately launches into heavy-handed, over-the-top scenarios like this:

Dennis and Roland's parents are watching television in the family room of their Brockton, Massachusetts split-level home. As usual, Roland's stereo is blasting through the house. Dad can no longer stand the noise so he marches upstairs and yells, "Turn that damn thing down." Eighteen-year-old Roland responds immediately by screaming, "Fuck you," and he begins smashing in the walls of his room with a baseball bat. Sixteen-year-old Dennis charges into the hallway hollering at his father, "What the hell are you doing to my brother? Why don’t you leave him alone?"

Keep in mind that this is actual text from the book, and it clearly sets the tone for the 240 pages that follow. I have a very hard time swallowing any of this. In my opinion, a more astute writer would have written this story like so:

Dennis and Roland's parents are watching television in the family room of their Brockton, Massachusetts split-level home. Roland's father works at the local steel mill and has worked a long ten hour day and is quick to take his frustrations with his job home with him. Dad doesn't bother spending much time with his two sons because "raising children is woman's work." He expects to come home every day from work to a quiet house, an obedient wife, and all-American kids who play football and get elected prom king. Having been raised in the 1950's, Dad is very intolerant of ideas that he doesn't agree with, and is big on conformity and authoritarianism. Roland is a typical teenager that doesn't quite know how to express himself so experiments with different fashions and types of music. He doesn't understand why his father always acts so hostile towards him and his brother. They're both good kids who stay out of trouble and get decent grades, but their dad is always down on them for having long hair, wearing odd clothing, or not playing sports. This particular night, Roland is listening to punk music at a reasonable volume. His father, tired of always hearing that "noise" while he's trying to watch the game, marches upstairs and shouts, "Goddamn it boy, turn off that fucking fagot dopehead music. How the fuck do you ever expect to make something of yourself dressing like that? Do you think anyone's going to hire someone who looks like a complete fuck-up criminal?" Roland, tired of taking his dad's constant bullying, tells him to fuck off. Roland's dad would later say that his son began smashing the walls of his room with a baseball bat, but it was a gross exaggeration added for shock value. Dennis runs in from his bedroom and says "What the hell are you doing to my brother? Why don’t you leave him alone?" Their father, knowing he's a pathetic excuse for a human being, leaves the room, telling his boys to watch themselves.

Don't you love how the story changes when you have all of the information?

Anyway, this book continues in this way and becomes mostly intervention stories. The main running theme of the book is that it's not the parents' fault, which is rather absurd because every other parent in this book is similar to the character described above.


Sunday, February 8, 2009

Tear that boy ass up!

Behold one of the most disturbing thrift store nightmares I have ever found...

Sometimes I go home feeling quite down about myself. Why is it that I have been cursed with this unique ability to touch something and automatically turn it into a horrible, creepy nightmare such as this? Don't think that I actually go out looking for stuff like this... Because I don't. Oh no... It just happens. This is why I can't sleep at night. This is why I fear having children. This is why the world is just sick. There are people on the loose out there who fucking make things like this book!

Alright, so let's take a look at this thing... Seriously, take a good look. Do you get it at all? This book is obviously religious based. A story plays out in my head where some sort of preacher befriends a boy in an attempt to push him closer to god. During this course of action the preacher harbors feelings towards the young boy, but finds it to be a type of sickness inside him. Instead of revealing his feelings to the boy, he secretly creates a gold statue of him in his free time and gets a little rough with it due to sexual frustration....

I mean, that would make the cover make sense, right? But the book isn't about that? Hmm... Let's try again...

The guy on there just looks evil... Maybe he has some sort of powerful ability to turn little boys into gold with just one touch of his... Okay let's not go there either.

Really, I'm in disbelief over this book cover. I mean, seriously, I'm not lying when I say that this cover art took my husband and I both a whole 24 hours to figure out the actual meaning of. The book is titled "Be Mature", which let me add, doesn't help matters, but after trying hard to figure this out we both came to the conclusion that it is actually an image of the adult man breaking out of his younger boyhood self image... But who the fuck in their right mind would actually look at this and say, "Yeah, this cover art rocks for my very first book! Let's do it!" Something tells me that this writer didn't sell more than one or two copies...



Saturday, February 7, 2009

Bozo the Barbie

Okay... Seriously... Who in their right fucking mind let this Barbie be made with this much makeup? And the hair? And the clothes? One could argue that maybe a child switched the clothes up and this was the end result, but that's the more hopeful side of me thinking. The more logical side of me says that the makers of Barbie were really high on drugs and thought this to be fashionably acceptable back in the 60s.


I mean, do you really want this to be your child's role model? I mean, really? "Hey look mom, I can put make up on just like Barbie!" And then they one day become a fat, loud, more obnoxious version of Barbie due to everyone making fun of their pathetic fashion, unmanageable clown hair, and whore makeup... Either keep your kids away or fear their future....


Why there should be a law against making oneself into a bobble head

I can't help but crack up every time I see this... Not only is this a bobble head of some random asshole, the arms are broken off! I would expect no less than this level of awesomeness from any Joliet-area thrift store.

Here's our first reader-submitted thrift store nightmare:

I'm sure an entire blog in and of itself could be dedicated to horrible, trashy, and/or random t-shirts found at thrift stores. I find it fun to picture the type of person who would wear each t-shirt. For example, I picture a slightly overweight amateur radio nerd with pit stains wearing this Phyllis Diller shirt... My gut reaction is to picture it on a hipster, but this is slightly too bad and too obscure a reference to be considered in vogue by any respectable hipster.

Thanks to Tristan for this.......... shirt.



I don't know what's worse... The fact that this baby doll's head looks like it's some sort of sexual device found at your local adult store or the sad truth that nearly all Barbies and dolls are 95% of the time found half nude at thrift stores. Seriously, what is up with that? Perhaps it is best not to know...


[Edit: I find the glazed-over look in its eyes pretty disturbing.


Friday, February 6, 2009

I'm proud to say that I'm almost fully recovered from the strange disease I caught a week ago from that horrible thrift store. While k8 has recovered fully and quickly, there are still a few bumps in the road ahead for me due to a throat infection complication.

Check out this horrendous eyesore:

Seriously... Does anyone EVER find this crap remotely amusing or clever? This "internet tie" (and I use the term "internet" loosely here) is probably from those early years of the information age when the average person couldn't instantly tell that this tie was complete nonsense. Back then this item would have been considered somewhat cool in that dorky middle-aged guy sort of way, nowadays this thing says "pathetic virgin (and staying that way) loser who shops at thrift stores in a non-ironic way."

Then there's this piece of crap:

I'm sure we've all received a crappy gift from Grandma just like this... and just like this it inevitably ends up on the shelf in a thrift store.


EDIT: I still can't get over that tie... How does a long string of zeros represent the internet, or anything, for that matter?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

A quick treat...

For all of you Napoleon Dynamite fans out there:


Monday, February 2, 2009

Sometimes we just need a break...

This entry will be a quick one, for my husband and I have both caught some sort of rare form of tuberculosis or perhaps a random unheard of disease with no cure from one of the various thrift stores we ventured to. Don't fret though kids! We'll be back up and running at full speed once we recover 100%. Unfortunately with thrift store shopping you never know what you're going to find... And sometimes it may come in the form of a virus. Stay tuned. For now, here's Hulk Hogan on a horse. Yep...


Sunday, February 1, 2009

Open Doors

I'm impressed... It's not everyday that you see a children's book on how to keep an open mind about developing sexualities. In fact, I think it's a great step forward. Teaching a kid to be okay with their homosexuality is most important in a developing mind. Wait, you say this book isn't about that? Oh... Well apparently someone got fired for the misleading artwork, don't ya think?