Thursday, October 8, 2009

Likely found in a junkie's home...

Never and I mean NEVER, under any circumstances, should you ever be able to find this at a thrift store!!! I definitely avoided touching that one... But I did get a nice picture!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Parent Trap.

You know all those experts who write books and books about perfect parenting guides?

Yeah... Something tells me that you've likely found all of their copies of their books at one thrift store or another. Every thrift store seems to have a huge pile or shelf devoted to parenting books. And why?

Because they don't work!

Seriously folks, if you have to turn to a book to help improve your parenting style, you might want to rethink that whole plan... Remember, you're relying on books that eventually haunt the shelves and gather dust at the nearest Salvation Army. Instead of spending countless hours sifting through those dusty books, why not try listening to and/or paying attention to your kid on your own instead?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Questionable Book Covers.

Almost every thrift store has a book section. Sometimes you can find a lot of useful books, too, especially those of the self-help variety. But sometimes you just come across books with covers that leave you with a permanent questioning face. For example:

Just what in the hell is going on here? I can only imagine that this book has something to do with computers from the 80s being evil... So evil that they had to label them "The Dragon's eye". If you stare directly into the screen, er... um, the "dragon's eye", you'll become a lifeless body of retardation.

Well, this book seems fairly normal.

But then you turn it over... Could this book scream the 90s anymore? There's not necessarily anything wrong with it, but tell me I'm not alone in noticing the highly advertised messages of diversity. It was everywhere!

Knee Holes... The story of a young boy and his quest to one day be a woman... That is a boy, right?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dollar Store Baby

I would like to apologize for our recent lack of activity, but we've been preparing for fast-approaching parenthood. As you can imagine, the last couple of weeks have been hectic. But that hasn't stopped our never-ending quest to find the most terrible thrift store atrocities imaginable.

For this next Nightmare, we decided to raid the local dollar store. As you can imagine we didn't have to try very hard to find this:

I can't imagine who in their right mind would buy this for their child to play with. The items at this dollar store are supposedly new, so what gives with this doll with the bashed-in face? It looks like a fat, sweaty asshole sat on its face.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Another failed art project...

Need a place to stash your weed? Why, the solution is simple of course! Just pop this lovely Eskimo's head off and throw your valuables inside his gut!

You know, for being a reject art project that ended up at the Community Thrift Store, this little guy somehow called out to me. There's something about that face that made me want to take him home... But with the collection of thrift store nightmares I already have, it's best to let this guy find a home in some loving pothead's house. Someday he'll find his real place...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Doll Parts

You know, there's really nothing creepier than a bag full of doll parts. You are just left in wonder... Why are there doll parts in a bag? How did they become doll parts? Did someone's little brother simply take revenge on their girly toys or was this the work of someone more twisted, and disturbing? What would one do with doll parts? Where did all of these come from?

There are many unanswered questions, but one thing is apparent... This bag holds the key to many wrecked childhoods.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

One, two, Bozo's coming for you...

So you take two of the worst possible children's fears and put them together and what do you get?

Behold Bozo Krueger.

Freddy Krueger meets Bozo the Clown? Yeah, that's what it is, I'm afraid to say...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Common Occurrences

You walk into a thrift store and ultimately each thrift store is pretty much the same place despite its different location. The smell is still that of your grandmother's old, cluttered closet and the dingy feeling of dust and grime still coats the air. Don't even get me started about the people and their shuffling, shopping habits, or the fact that there is 95% of the time a baby heard screaming in the background...

But what else binds all thrift stores together?

The endless rows of old computer monitors! While at one point these were hot items, sometimes selling for hundreds of dollars, they now sit and gather dust and the occasional glance from that one old man who just figured out how to "call the internet".

And since you're looking for an old tube monitor, don't forget to grab an old joystick to go along with it! There are literally dozens to choose from!

Then in the next aisle, among the puked on carseats, diaper genies, and toaster ovens, you'll discover that one perfect gift for mom... That one perfect gift that at one point everyone felt was the perfect gift and in an instant spontaneously bought... The foot bath! I guess mom was so overwhelmed with joy from the foot bath that she mistakingly threw it into the donate drop off at the Salvation Army... But now you can have one of your own!

And of course what thrift store visit would be complete without a couple of minutes weeding through the old 80s and 90s electronics? You might find a good deal on a cassette player here and if you're real lucky you may even find one of those hard to come by CD players.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Men are from Mars... Women are from Venus... Blah, blah, blah...

Honestly, this is just a personal nightmare for me. I hate anything that involves crap like this talking about how "different" the opposite sex is. I laugh at any guide that is there to help you "better understand" women and "fully figure out" men. Are people really this helpless in regards to the opposite sex? Are marriages really suffering because you can't figure out why men like lawn tractors and tools and women dig shoes and makeup? Ugh... Give me a break. And whoever wrote this book made TONS of money that people desperately paid! Now they make a game out of it!?!

When I first came across this horrid piece at the Good Will I sighed with relief thinking that the days of this worshipped crap were finally over. A week later I went to a local department store only to be startled by the appearance of the very same game with a different cover. I'm fearing that it will never end... And men and women will still keep themselves helplessly buying into this type of BS.

End of rant.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Being perfect isn't everything?

Well, no, it's not... But it sure as heck is less scary than this thing walking up the stairs!

And what is that it says at the top corner of the book? A troll book? I always thought of trolls as those cute little fat dolls with the colorful hair. After seeing this book though, I know that trolls come in all sorts of mysterious and frightening ways. *shudders*

I guess the chick isn't that bad... That is a chick... Right?

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Why go to the hardware store when you can go to the thrift store instead?

You know it's a bad thrift store when you walk in and immediately feel like you're in your dad's garage... What makes it worse though is when you actually see people buying half-filled cans of Folger's and various rusty cans of chemicals you've never even heard of... Seriously, you know some of these things are at least 20 or 30 years old.

Well, at least someone will buy them, yeah? Why else would they be sold?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Run! Save yourselves!

My first impression of this piece was that it was an alien of sorts, as its head seems to be way larger than the average sized head and his eyes are of an unearthly form. Clearly there is something not right with this boy, what with holding dead lamb carcases with little or no emotion. I definitely wouldn't want to run into this kid in the middle of the night...

But upon looking even closer, I've decided that this likely isn't an alien at all, but just some really screwed up stuff. Pajamas? Angel wings? Dead lamb? I don't know and I don't really want to know why or what purpose this little figure served. However, for only 99 cents it can be yours! So act now!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Patriotic Nightmares

Happy Birthday USA!

Show your love for your country with these fine shitty needlepoint decorations, a perfect gift for any mother-in-law or deadbeat dad:

And for our Southern patriots, this wonderful piece of Bradford Exchange fare would look right at home next to your stuffed raccoon or collection of vintage beer cans:

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Ah cassette players... This brings me back...

Remember the simple days when no Ipods or mp3 players existed? CDs were barely even in the making... But there were cassettes and you were the coolest kid on the block if you had a decent cassette player.

I'd imagine this one wouldn't do much for you though...

Take a close look. Something is missing... Something quite important.

No eject/open button!? Okay, that can't be right... Sadly though, it is. After battling this cassette player in disbelief for a few minutes, j-on and myself have determined that there is no physical way to open this cassette player aside from breaking it open. There is no hidden trick. No plugging it in and it magically opening... No pushing the cassette door to open it... Hell, that baby is solidly built and solidly shut! I can just imagine the horror glued across that one 80s kid who received this as a gift only to be defeated by this evil machine. He would not become the cool kid on the block. Instead he would be known as the boy who has a cassette player, but is too stupid to have one that actually accepts tapes...

I'd hope there was something we were missing, but it doesn't appear as so. And even if we did miss some random way of opening this horrid device, should it really be that difficult to open!?

I rest my case.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hillbilly Corpse

This just scares me.

That is all.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Looking to show off that wild side of yours?

At first it was about saving an animal's dignity... Then it was about the fashion never really taking off... Now though, it's all about saving our eyesight. Seriously people, have animal prints ever really been that popular? Is it just cool to some people to wear their favorite animal's fur print? Yeah, that makes sense... I like zebras so let me go blend in with a bunch of them!

We all have seen these types of clothes worn at some point. I suppose it's all up to personal style... So next time your local trailer park lady waddles out of her humble home, point her to the direction of the nearest Salvation Army. She'll be sure to find these babies for a nice price.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day Nightmare

I'll be the first to admit, I'm not a fan of Father's Day. But how can you not get into the spirit of things looking at this:

Terrible, terrible, terrible. There's a very good reason that this shirt is in this thrift store. Some dimwitted kid bought this for his father, possibly at another thrift store, a couple of years ago. Whoever received the shirt promptly re-donated it to the Salvation Army, and hence here it is, back from whence it came, here for our amusement.

Doesn't it look a little like a retard drew the picture? And that MS Paint was used to do the main layout. You bet it does!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Behold Brick Lady! The circus sideshow freak made entirely out of...... brick?

I can appreciate someone's attempt to make art out of random objects... Really, I can. Come on though, guys! We're talking about painting a woman's face onto a brick!!! What, did your pet rock not interact with you enough? Did you need some jolly-faced fat woman to chuck at your enemy's window? I just don't get it. Do I ever though?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Strangely enough... I kind of want to play this

You know what's worse than looking back at photographs of people with 80s hair?

What's worse is an 80s board game with cartoon drawings of Valley Girl shopaholics taking over the mall WITH horrible 80s hair.

Man... That has to bring you back.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

An oldie, but a goodie

Remember this handsome fellow?

Joel, the original thrift store nightmare.

Yeah, well, awhile back he made a video... He doesn't say much, but with a face like that, who needs to?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Raise your chicken goblet high!

And make a toast to... KFC? Popeyes? Hmm...

This is the biggest and only piece of chicken flamboyancy that I have ever seen. The lovely soft pastel colors, the open magical stars, and the dainty little chicken face smothered in light blue eyeshadow...

Yet again another strange art piece found at the Salvation Army. Really these people should just devote a portion of their store as some sort of art museum for the reject masterpieces. Alas, that won't happen. Or is that a good thing?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Fear of Clowns

I'm sorry my fellow coulrophobics, but this entry must be made. Do you have any idea how many creepy ass clown pieces I am forced to witness each time I walk through ANY thrift store!? Let me just point out a few examples...

It's too late to turn back now...

Happy the clown is not just here to wish you a special Happy Birthday... He's here to bite all little children's hands off! If you look closely, you can see a few blood splotches on his collar...

Now this guy from a distance may seem harmless, but let's look again. At first I just noticed his extremely dorky haircut, but upon second glance I noticed something far worse. This bashful little guy seems to be beckoning you into his magical clown room to nibble on his balloon animal. *shudders*

Oh good... It's just a clown display made for nurseries. Wait a minute! What babies don't cry at the sight of clowns!? Look at his evil eyes! Evil, I say!

Clowns made out of seashells... Yeah. Clowns... Made out of... Seashells. It seems as though someone found out what to do with all those crappy souvenirs from Florida, however, I can't say their new product is any less craptastic. Seriously, it's like clowns came back to life from tremendous amounts of destruction only to take shelter in a hard shell. If you think killing these clowns off will be easy, think again! Beware the clown crustaceans! And one is missing an arm... Ew.

And then there is Faceless the clown who appears to be a friendly, lovable circus clown holding a bundle of balloons for the kiddies... With, of course, a beating club buried beneath those balloons. I don't think I can think of anything scarier than a faceless clown with a club... Well, aside from that nightmare inducing Pilsbury Dough Boy in the background eager to stab you with a butcher's knife...

For now the chapter ends with these clown tales, but know that our quest to rid our life of these nightmares is far from over. After all, there is a reason why clown memorabilia is one of the top items located in thrift stores...

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Record roundup

What in the name of Apollo is going on in album cover? I know Chaka Khan is a terrible, annoying 80's loudmouth, but are they trying to imply that she's going to drug that poor girl who she's playing dress-up with? And all under the watchful eye of whoever the fuck's standing in the doorway with that creepy-ass grin. This is more messed up than ANY Roger Whittaker album.

Flattop Angel

The endless combinations of trailer park art and odd hairstyles never cease to amaze me.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Church Member

Hmm... Sure, you could look at this little holy guy and say he's just holding a flesh colored drinking glass/bowl. That's totally what it looks like, right? By the way, it's rather large for his size, is it not?

I especially am digging the expression on his innocent little face.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Just tell me what it is!

Another piece of duck art. Yuck. I still don't know what is up with these types of things.

J-on believes this is a nutcracker of some sort. I thought maybe it was some crude napkin holder. Really though, no thought should be wasted on trying to figure out its real use. I'm pretty sure it will remain on that counter with the rest of its craptastic brothers and sisters of junk. I especially enjoy the "I love my stylist" cup...


Monday, June 1, 2009

I honestly haven't seen this much densely-layered sexual innuendo in a good long while. Just read the box.

From what I can gather, you alleviate tension by vigorously rubbing an anime-haired Asian guy's balls all over your body. Hahaha, "ideal for use at home." I bet. It's also good for business trips, trips of whose purpose are largely a mystery to me and will remain that way. They should re-write that part to say "ideal for meeting Japanese businessmen in hotel rooms."


Saturday, May 30, 2009

Fashion any computer nerd can enjoy...

Because there is nothing better than a visor made out of a hideous mouse pad and shoelaces.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Man, I knew it was hot in Egypt, but come on!


I think my husband hit the nail on the head when he assumed that these were left on somebody's car dashboard in the blazing hot sun. It's not so sad that they're melted, but absolutely pathetic that lighting them wasn't the initial way of melting them...

Egyptian pyramids... What's that? Oh yeah, aren't those supposed to have four, rather than three sides?

I must say, the thrift store we found these in has some of the best objects I've ever seen as far as nightmares go. Think of that thrift store your old, miserable, deranged uncle would shop at for rusty lawnmower parts and you'll get right idea... The place is so dusty and grimy that every time we go in there we immediately feel the need to shower afterwards. And yes, it is so cluttered with piles of junk that I have gotten lost inside this place. It was quite a scary experience. I'm lucky that I have my faithful j-on to guide me through though... And somehow, finding hilarious objects like these make it all worthwhile.


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Could a tin be any tackier?

Seriously guys, there are no words.


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Looking for that rare find?

Well then, this might be for you...


As I felt the material of this dress I felt as if I'd get some sort of fabric splinter. It comes to no surprise that the price tag is still intact and attached to this garment. And what is this I spy?

Huh. Rare, eh? Well, I can see why it would be rare... Or at least why they would only make one. The only people I see wearing this dress are either of the Amish persuasion or Pilgrims... Let's walk away from this one and try our hardest to forget it, shall we?


Saturday, May 23, 2009

Old Lady Junk

This is an entry that has been a long time in the making. I've been pondering for a couple of weeks on exactly how to structure this entry. First, a story.

What exactly is "old lady junk"? Here's the best way I can explain it. Imagine waking up on a Saturday morning and, at a loss of what to do with your day, feel an urge to go "garage sale-ing". You set out with the intent to find unique or useful items but after actually visiting two or three garage sales you're sad, hurt and disappointed that all you could find was crap like this:

This, my readers, is EXACTLY what I mean when I say "old lady junk". Just random, useless bric-a-brac found in abundance in nearly every grandma's house. And believe it or not, there are entire thrift stores that have accumulated nothing but this very same old lady junk.

And last but not least, there's this horrible piece of crap:

This is especially irritating because I think we all know that late middle-aged/old person who finds sayings like this clever or funny.