Wrestling

I'm sure it is, Timmy. Make sure those tights fit really snug and remember to oil yourself up before each match.

Tied up books...

These books must have been so crappy that they couldn't even untie them, sort them, and price them... It was quicker and cheaper to give you the whole lot for $1.00. But look at what you get! I'm sure you can't find information this up-to-date about Jesus just anywhere!

The Parent Trap.

You know all those experts who write books and books about perfect parenting guides?

Yeah... Something tells me that you've likely found all of their copies of their books at one thrift store or another. Every thrift store seems to have a huge pile or shelf devoted to parenting books. And why?

Because they don't work!

Seriously folks, if you have to turn to a book to help improve your parenting style, you might want to rethink that whole plan... Remember, you're relying on books that eventually haunt the shelves and gather dust at the nearest Salvation Army. Instead of spending countless hours sifting through those dusty books, why not try listening to and/or paying attention to your kid on your own instead?

Questionable Book Covers.

Almost every thrift store has a book section. Sometimes you can find a lot of useful books, too, especially those of the self-help variety. But sometimes you just come across books with covers that leave you with a permanent questioning face. For example:


Just what in the hell is going on here? I can only imagine that this book has something to do with computers from the 80s being evil... So evil that they had to label them "The Dragon's eye". If you stare directly into the screen, er... um, the "dragon's eye", you'll become a lifeless body of retardation.

Well, this book seems fairly normal.

But then you turn it over... Could this book scream the 90s anymore? There's not necessarily anything wrong with it, but tell me I'm not alone in noticing the highly advertised messages of diversity. It was everywhere!


Knee Holes... The story of a young boy and his quest to one day be a woman... That is a boy, right?

Being perfect isn't everything?

Well, no, it's not... But it sure as heck is less scary than this thing walking up the stairs!

And what is that it says at the top corner of the book? A troll book? I always thought of trolls as those cute little fat dolls with the colorful hair. After seeing this book though, I know that trolls come in all sorts of mysterious and frightening ways. *shudders*

I guess the chick isn't that bad... That is a chick... Right?

Jewelry?

I have no idea what this book is about. Jewelry advice? Selling jewelry? Being a greedy person? Whatever it's about, I don't feel like following it... I'd feel like I'd be stealing jewelry from the dead. I mean, look at the skeleton on the front? This book just clearly reads "Come and grave rob me!"

Also, I think whoever paid the funeral home's makeup artist to do this corpse's makeup should get their money back...

-k8

Tough Love

I'd like to switch gears for a bit here on Thrift Store Nightmares. Normally, we bring you pictures of funny worthless crap from thrift stores, but right now I'd like to analyze the text of today's thrift store nightmare.

I'd like you to meet the book Tough Love, straight out of some old religious guy's house:


Oh man, I'm scared already. "When you can't reach troubled teens, can't even live with them... its time for TOUGH LOVE." Let's see... I'm pretty sure this is from the 80's...

Sounds about right. The first time I picked up this book, I didn't quite know what to expect. I mean, surely this book would be a legitimate self help manual to increase the communication between teens and parents everywhere! No dice. I found myself doubled over in laughter on page six. The book immediately launches into heavy-handed, over-the-top scenarios like this:

Dennis and Roland's parents are watching television in the family room of their Brockton, Massachusetts split-level home. As usual, Roland's stereo is blasting through the house. Dad can no longer stand the noise so he marches upstairs and yells, "Turn that damn thing down." Eighteen-year-old Roland responds immediately by screaming, "Fuck you," and he begins smashing in the walls of his room with a baseball bat. Sixteen-year-old Dennis charges into the hallway hollering at his father, "What the hell are you doing to my brother? Why don’t you leave him alone?"

Keep in mind that this is actual text from the book, and it clearly sets the tone for the 240 pages that follow. I have a very hard time swallowing any of this. In my opinion, a more astute writer would have written this story like so:

Dennis and Roland's parents are watching television in the family room of their Brockton, Massachusetts split-level home. Roland's father works at the local steel mill and has worked a long ten hour day and is quick to take his frustrations with his job home with him. Dad doesn't bother spending much time with his two sons because "raising children is woman's work." He expects to come home every day from work to a quiet house, an obedient wife, and all-American kids who play football and get elected prom king. Having been raised in the 1950's, Dad is very intolerant of ideas that he doesn't agree with, and is big on conformity and authoritarianism. Roland is a typical teenager that doesn't quite know how to express himself so experiments with different fashions and types of music. He doesn't understand why his father always acts so hostile towards him and his brother. They're both good kids who stay out of trouble and get decent grades, but their dad is always down on them for having long hair, wearing odd clothing, or not playing sports. This particular night, Roland is listening to punk music at a reasonable volume. His father, tired of always hearing that "noise" while he's trying to watch the game, marches upstairs and shouts, "Goddamn it boy, turn off that fucking fagot dopehead music. How the fuck do you ever expect to make something of yourself dressing like that? Do you think anyone's going to hire someone who looks like a complete fuck-up criminal?" Roland, tired of taking his dad's constant bullying, tells him to fuck off. Roland's dad would later say that his son began smashing the walls of his room with a baseball bat, but it was a gross exaggeration added for shock value. Dennis runs in from his bedroom and says "What the hell are you doing to my brother? Why don’t you leave him alone?" Their father, knowing he's a pathetic excuse for a human being, leaves the room, telling his boys to watch themselves.

Don't you love how the story changes when you have all of the information?

Anyway, this book continues in this way and becomes mostly intervention stories. The main running theme of the book is that it's not the parents' fault, which is rather absurd because every other parent in this book is similar to the character described above.

-j-on

Tear that boy ass up!

Behold one of the most disturbing thrift store nightmares I have ever found...

Sometimes I go home feeling quite down about myself. Why is it that I have been cursed with this unique ability to touch something and automatically turn it into a horrible, creepy nightmare such as this? Don't think that I actually go out looking for stuff like this... Because I don't. Oh no... It just happens. This is why I can't sleep at night. This is why I fear having children. This is why the world is just sick. There are people on the loose out there who fucking make things like this book!

Alright, so let's take a look at this thing... Seriously, take a good look. Do you get it at all? This book is obviously religious based. A story plays out in my head where some sort of preacher befriends a boy in an attempt to push him closer to god. During this course of action the preacher harbors feelings towards the young boy, but finds it to be a type of sickness inside him. Instead of revealing his feelings to the boy, he secretly creates a gold statue of him in his free time and gets a little rough with it due to sexual frustration....

I mean, that would make the cover make sense, right? But the book isn't about that? Hmm... Let's try again...

The guy on there just looks evil... Maybe he has some sort of powerful ability to turn little boys into gold with just one touch of his... Okay let's not go there either.

Really, I'm in disbelief over this book cover. I mean, seriously, I'm not lying when I say that this cover art took my husband and I both a whole 24 hours to figure out the actual meaning of. The book is titled "Be Mature", which let me add, doesn't help matters, but after trying hard to figure this out we both came to the conclusion that it is actually an image of the adult man breaking out of his younger boyhood self image... But who the fuck in their right mind would actually look at this and say, "Yeah, this cover art rocks for my very first book! Let's do it!" Something tells me that this writer didn't sell more than one or two copies...

*shudders*

-k8

Open Doors

I'm impressed... It's not everyday that you see a children's book on how to keep an open mind about developing sexualities. In fact, I think it's a great step forward. Teaching a kid to be okay with their homosexuality is most important in a developing mind. Wait, you say this book isn't about that? Oh... Well apparently someone got fired for the misleading artwork, don't ya think?

-k8

Its only use is a bookend for D&D manuals...

And you know it's been sitting there sine 1987.

-j-on