Tuesday, January 27, 2009

First Record Roundup

Most audio aficionados will agree that there is something special about vinyl. Its warm analog timbre has colored some of the greatest music of yesterday's generations. There are of course timeless masterpieces that nearly everyone has owned, thousands of copies of which end up in thrift stores across the country.

Then there are these.

Any fan of vinyl knows that as well as classics there are some comically awful records out there. It's appalling just how many records have been made with album art that has absolutely no regard to taste, decency, or a sense of respect for humankind. It's disturbing how easy it is to find everything from sexual innuendos to rediculous fashon to straight up unintended hilarity in album art. If it's a vinyl record, odds are it's not safe from our watchful eyes.

This first gem was found in amongst a stack of Ferrante and Teicher, Lawrence Welk, and Mario Lanza records that have been sitting in a local thrift store for the better part of two years, very seldom touched:

These guys are flying high, all right, but it's not on love. There must be a pharmaceutical explanation for hair this great. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see Mr. T in his pre-gold chain days, Jimi Hendrix, Tito Jackson, Rick James, and Jesus (in the back with the handlebar mustache and the flat-ironed hair). What an amazing super-group!

Then this jumped out at me:

I am perplexed by this album. I have searched sex offender databases far and wide for this guy's name, yet I can't find him. Maybe there's a rational explanation, like that he's dead. Regardless, check out the song titles. I can guarantee you that Almost Paradise, Wanting You, Near You and most definitely The High and the Mighty are about 12-year-old boys. "But wait!" you say. "How do you know that this guy isn't just extremely creepy?" Easy! Two reasons. First:

Notice the slightly up-turned uncomfortable grin. This is the equivalent to a giant rotating beacon that says "I like to touch little boys." The other way to tell that his intentions are less-than-noble: just ask yourself if you'd let him be alone with your kids. Thought not.


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