Call the police!

If there is any reason why someone would want or need a statue of a cop, I don't know it.

Another Friday Night Video?

I just installed Blogger on my phone, so now I can bring you the worst thrift store nightmares from anywhere on earth.

That being said, let's look at this turd of a VHS tape I found. Featuring unknown artist "Kenny Marks", this video is not only offensive to the sensibilities because of the guy's terrible yet cheap 80s haircut, it is that much more insulting because this prick presumes that I have nothing better to do with a Friday night than to watch this garbage. If I had to choose between spending my Friday night with this asshole and sticking a hot iron to my face, I'll take the iron any day.

Lastly, it seems that this video comes from a church, so I must assume that this is another thinly veiled Christian rock act trying to disguise itself as "hip" music, much like that awful Allies band I reviewed a couple entries back. I examined the cover thoroughly but found no references to Jesus, so I can only assume that upon listening to this garbage, we'd be treated to a generic keyboard line and then BAM! Profession of undying love for Jesus.

Needless to say, I threw this right back into the bin I dug it out of.

Springtime Crafts

For everyone, that is, if you're a unibrowed 70's kid.

Thanks to my tubular friend Sarah from down under for sending me this monstrosity.

ARMOR OF GOD

Straight out of the Crusades, this charming bracelet will invoke god's fury to protect you from evildoers, charlatans, and mischief-makers. Now featuring metal clasp and high quality stamped cross.

Demeneted Doll Head with Hair Plugs

Are you a deadbeat uncle on a budget? Then this cheaply made doll head is perfect. It may not provide quality, but it certainly will provide quantity, especially when paired with a deformed baby doll or a bag of Mexican mystery candy.

Pocket Pedo

How awesome is this? I can have a creepy-ass dude with a beard that screams "you gonna get raped" peek over "picture frames, bulletin boards, shirt pockets, jeans, pockets, pocket books, novels and all sorts of other places". What those other places may be I will leave up to you to decide.

Iron Eagles

Nothing says "American pride" like these wonderful... well I was going to say "weapons", but upon closer inspection, these would all make terrible weapons. What purpose do these things serve? Are they intended to actually be used, or are they meant to sit in the basement bedroom of a neckbeard who has delusions about fighting people with these shitty blades? Usually, the people who own crap like this think it gives them some sort of authority or ability to fight that they didn't have before. If I had a dollar for every time someone has said "I have this knife if someone breaks in my house" I'd have like sixty four dollars.

Upon more closely inspecting the one on the right, I"m convinced that that is some sort of glass blade. Ok, good luck with that, Mr. Neckbeard defending your house. I'm positive that you'd have better luck striking the assailant with the injection molded eagle handle.

Wrestling

I'm sure it is, Timmy. Make sure those tights fit really snug and remember to oil yourself up before each match.

Allies

After over a year of hiatus, we have decided that this blog is too hilarious to let fester in disuse. We're back, with more awful atrocities than ever and a new look to top it off. That being said, I'd like to start things off with a hilarious album.

Looking at this album cover, your first impression may well be "what the fuck! I didn't know Air Supply released a hair metal album!" But behind all of the blue-to-heliotrope gradients, gold embossing and overexposed black and white photography, you'll find a pitifully obscure 80's act that sounds like a phoned-in combination of Rick Springfield and Peter Cetera. Just check out a video of track 1, which shows us another hilarious album cover:



Immediately we're assaulted by the most generic keyboard riff I've ever heard. I had to wake myself up to catch these lyrics:

From the day you are born,
there's a battle goin' on in your soul,
comes a time in your life,
when you've gotta give somebody control.

This is it, time is now,
and the change should be like day and night.
it's so hard to hold out,
but it's easy when you give up the fight.

All you life, he's wanted you,
he's wanted you,
he's cared for you,
I'm tellin' you.

Now you know he loves you so,
SURRENDER!

Ok, I've fucking had enough. Either this is a song about a stalker, or I've stumbled upon some sort of Christian music disguised as synth-driven 80's rock, a normally awesome style of music. Needless to say, this crap belongs in the circular file.

Nuts!

Nut enthusiasts will certainly go nuts for this nutty dish! Yeah, that was lame...

This is a gallon sized nut bowl with a tiny brown squirrel on top. So many questions, so few answers. Why is the dish so large? What do you put in the dish? Why is the squirrel on top so tiny? Who uses this?

One thing is for certain though... Someone my mom's age will come along and snatch this piece up ASAP. All you'll hear is, "Oh look how sweet!" and then it will all be over. At least we know this handcrafted nightmare will one day find another home... Somewhere out there.