Iron Eagles

Nothing says "American pride" like these wonderful... well I was going to say "weapons", but upon closer inspection, these would all make terrible weapons. What purpose do these things serve? Are they intended to actually be used, or are they meant to sit in the basement bedroom of a neckbeard who has delusions about fighting people with these shitty blades? Usually, the people who own crap like this think it gives them some sort of authority or ability to fight that they didn't have before. If I had a dollar for every time someone has said "I have this knife if someone breaks in my house" I'd have like sixty four dollars.

Upon more closely inspecting the one on the right, I"m convinced that that is some sort of glass blade. Ok, good luck with that, Mr. Neckbeard defending your house. I'm positive that you'd have better luck striking the assailant with the injection molded eagle handle.

Wrestling

I'm sure it is, Timmy. Make sure those tights fit really snug and remember to oil yourself up before each match.

Allies

After over a year of hiatus, we have decided that this blog is too hilarious to let fester in disuse. We're back, with more awful atrocities than ever and a new look to top it off. That being said, I'd like to start things off with a hilarious album.

Looking at this album cover, your first impression may well be "what the fuck! I didn't know Air Supply released a hair metal album!" But behind all of the blue-to-heliotrope gradients, gold embossing and overexposed black and white photography, you'll find a pitifully obscure 80's act that sounds like a phoned-in combination of Rick Springfield and Peter Cetera. Just check out a video of track 1, which shows us another hilarious album cover:



Immediately we're assaulted by the most generic keyboard riff I've ever heard. I had to wake myself up to catch these lyrics:

From the day you are born,
there's a battle goin' on in your soul,
comes a time in your life,
when you've gotta give somebody control.

This is it, time is now,
and the change should be like day and night.
it's so hard to hold out,
but it's easy when you give up the fight.

All you life, he's wanted you,
he's wanted you,
he's cared for you,
I'm tellin' you.

Now you know he loves you so,
SURRENDER!

Ok, I've fucking had enough. Either this is a song about a stalker, or I've stumbled upon some sort of Christian music disguised as synth-driven 80's rock, a normally awesome style of music. Needless to say, this crap belongs in the circular file.

Nuts!

Nut enthusiasts will certainly go nuts for this nutty dish! Yeah, that was lame...

This is a gallon sized nut bowl with a tiny brown squirrel on top. So many questions, so few answers. Why is the dish so large? What do you put in the dish? Why is the squirrel on top so tiny? Who uses this?

One thing is for certain though... Someone my mom's age will come along and snatch this piece up ASAP. All you'll hear is, "Oh look how sweet!" and then it will all be over. At least we know this handcrafted nightmare will one day find another home... Somewhere out there.

Morbid Message to Grandma

Hey, you know what the best way to get rid of a child's death is? You make a little figurine as an angel to represent them! All grandmas want to know their kids are somewhere beyond the grave saying, "Hi, Grandma! We're DEAD, but we still love you!"

I feel really sad about this one. Some old lady is going to look at it and cry. Hell, this old lady who owned it probably broke town thinking about little Tommy and Timmy being gone forever and had no other choice but to donate this to Goodwill.

Ick.

Pedo Priest

Because you know that smile isn't just from the lord...

A long awaited update...

Because it's been awhile since we last updated, I've decided that all of you readers should get to view a handful of thriftstore nightmares we've come across these last few months... I wish this was for your viewing pleasure, but with any of these finds, you know how that goes....


Alright, first up we have the Deluxe Bedazzler! If the marketing angle is to dress up my clothing with studs and jewels to make myself look cooler, the people who made this product definitely messed up when they found this girl model. If I end up looking like her I might as well punch myself in the face because any normal person would beat the crap out of a dweeb like her... Especially a dweeb stuck in 1976 with a studded jacket... Come on...


Next we have a handcrafted coffee mug entitled "DAD". Because what better way to celebrate Dad's existence than with a mug that resembles some type of poop troll?


Okay now, let's see here... What is this? Oh, uh... A mummified, earless, bear monster?


Oh wait, scratch that. It's a squatting cat ash tray! Right... A squatting cat ash tray... You know, I don't even think you could find this piece in your weird next door neighbor cat lady's house.

Moving far, far away from that nightmare...

And some of these other nightmares have no descriptions. They just are what they are.


A half broken Jesus.


Legless bull rider.


Siamese Twins from Hell


I hope that this entry was sufficient enough to tide you over for now. I apologize for our absence on this website and promise to try and update it more often, but with a toddler running around and a husband who is a programmer, the two of us are constantly working on various new projects around the web, as well as chasing the little one. Rest assured that we always are on the look out for new nightmares, though! Thriftstore Nightmares is always one of our favorite hobbies, so be on the look out for new additions!

Death Clown

I'm always quite freaked out by the amount of clown crap we find at thrift stores. Thrift stores have an uneasy vibe about them BECAUSE they are clown graveyards of sorts. Any child who has ever held clown nightmares and received a tacky clown knick knack from Great Aunt Pearl will most likely jump on their bike and pay the nearest Goodwill to take it off their hands! What thrift store haven't you walked into and spotted rows and rows of hollow clown eyes staring holes into your inner childhood? You can almost here the crazed giggles and circus music as you walk by, or in my case, run by...

This knick knack disturbed me in multiple ways.


1. It's a clown knick knack. Enough said. Why people will continue to make these horrible pieces of old lady art, I will never know. CLOWNS ARE NOT CUTE, FUNNY, OR CLEVER!!!

2. Notice its death eyes. *shudders*

3. Why does it appear as if the child is worshiping it? Clearly that evil clown has a spell over the poor boy or the child is just terrified for his life.

4. I don't know about you, but if I had a box with a clown the same size as me popping out, I'd be peeing my pants. There's no way that's supposed to be a toy.

I hate clowns! So if you ever happen to come across a clown related item and feel the need to give it away to your nearest thrift store, STOP! Take it out back, pour some gasoline over it, hire a priest to exorcist it, and proceed to light that sucker up in flames!

Hot Potato!

Or rather... Giant glowing mutant potato!

Thanks Emily M. for discovering this hideous masterpiece and submitting it to us! Upon seeing this nightmare, I immediately became convinced that there is some sort of weird potato cult or potato fetish people out there. Who else would take it upon themselves to create such an item? But not only did these people take it upon themselves to make an actual potato lamp, but they made a GIANT potato lamp at that! This sucker measures in at 3 feet by 2 feet! WHAT!? Imagine how many french fries you could get from that!

You know there is no other lamp like this in existence. Kudos to you, Emily, for purchasing this one of a kind item! You've done us proud! I know if I were in your position, I'd have done the same thing!



Feel free to send anymore nightmares our way fellow thrift store shoppers!

King of the Jungle

Just explain to me... Under which circumstances would one ever wear this shirt?