Springtime Crafts

For everyone, that is, if you're a unibrowed 70's kid.

Thanks to my tubular friend Sarah from down under for sending me this monstrosity.

ARMOR OF GOD

Straight out of the Crusades, this charming bracelet will invoke god's fury to protect you from evildoers, charlatans, and mischief-makers. Now featuring metal clasp and high quality stamped cross.

Demeneted Doll Head with Hair Plugs

Are you a deadbeat uncle on a budget? Then this cheaply made doll head is perfect. It may not provide quality, but it certainly will provide quantity, especially when paired with a deformed baby doll or a bag of Mexican mystery candy.

Pocket Pedo

How awesome is this? I can have a creepy-ass dude with a beard that screams "you gonna get raped" peek over "picture frames, bulletin boards, shirt pockets, jeans, pockets, pocket books, novels and all sorts of other places". What those other places may be I will leave up to you to decide.

Iron Eagles

Nothing says "American pride" like these wonderful... well I was going to say "weapons", but upon closer inspection, these would all make terrible weapons. What purpose do these things serve? Are they intended to actually be used, or are they meant to sit in the basement bedroom of a neckbeard who has delusions about fighting people with these shitty blades? Usually, the people who own crap like this think it gives them some sort of authority or ability to fight that they didn't have before. If I had a dollar for every time someone has said "I have this knife if someone breaks in my house" I'd have like sixty four dollars.

Upon more closely inspecting the one on the right, I"m convinced that that is some sort of glass blade. Ok, good luck with that, Mr. Neckbeard defending your house. I'm positive that you'd have better luck striking the assailant with the injection molded eagle handle.

Wrestling

I'm sure it is, Timmy. Make sure those tights fit really snug and remember to oil yourself up before each match.

Allies

After over a year of hiatus, we have decided that this blog is too hilarious to let fester in disuse. We're back, with more awful atrocities than ever and a new look to top it off. That being said, I'd like to start things off with a hilarious album.

Looking at this album cover, your first impression may well be "what the fuck! I didn't know Air Supply released a hair metal album!" But behind all of the blue-to-heliotrope gradients, gold embossing and overexposed black and white photography, you'll find a pitifully obscure 80's act that sounds like a phoned-in combination of Rick Springfield and Peter Cetera. Just check out a video of track 1, which shows us another hilarious album cover:



Immediately we're assaulted by the most generic keyboard riff I've ever heard. I had to wake myself up to catch these lyrics:

From the day you are born,
there's a battle goin' on in your soul,
comes a time in your life,
when you've gotta give somebody control.

This is it, time is now,
and the change should be like day and night.
it's so hard to hold out,
but it's easy when you give up the fight.

All you life, he's wanted you,
he's wanted you,
he's cared for you,
I'm tellin' you.

Now you know he loves you so,
SURRENDER!

Ok, I've fucking had enough. Either this is a song about a stalker, or I've stumbled upon some sort of Christian music disguised as synth-driven 80's rock, a normally awesome style of music. Needless to say, this crap belongs in the circular file.

Nuts!

Nut enthusiasts will certainly go nuts for this nutty dish! Yeah, that was lame...

This is a gallon sized nut bowl with a tiny brown squirrel on top. So many questions, so few answers. Why is the dish so large? What do you put in the dish? Why is the squirrel on top so tiny? Who uses this?

One thing is for certain though... Someone my mom's age will come along and snatch this piece up ASAP. All you'll hear is, "Oh look how sweet!" and then it will all be over. At least we know this handcrafted nightmare will one day find another home... Somewhere out there.

Morbid Message to Grandma

Hey, you know what the best way to get rid of a child's death is? You make a little figurine as an angel to represent them! All grandmas want to know their kids are somewhere beyond the grave saying, "Hi, Grandma! We're DEAD, but we still love you!"

I feel really sad about this one. Some old lady is going to look at it and cry. Hell, this old lady who owned it probably broke town thinking about little Tommy and Timmy being gone forever and had no other choice but to donate this to Goodwill.

Ick.

Pedo Priest

Because you know that smile isn't just from the lord...