Death Clown

I'm always quite freaked out by the amount of clown crap we find at thrift stores. Thrift stores have an uneasy vibe about them BECAUSE they are clown graveyards of sorts. Any child who has ever held clown nightmares and received a tacky clown knick knack from Great Aunt Pearl will most likely jump on their bike and pay the nearest Goodwill to take it off their hands! What thrift store haven't you walked into and spotted rows and rows of hollow clown eyes staring holes into your inner childhood? You can almost here the crazed giggles and circus music as you walk by, or in my case, run by...

This knick knack disturbed me in multiple ways.


1. It's a clown knick knack. Enough said. Why people will continue to make these horrible pieces of old lady art, I will never know. CLOWNS ARE NOT CUTE, FUNNY, OR CLEVER!!!

2. Notice its death eyes. *shudders*

3. Why does it appear as if the child is worshiping it? Clearly that evil clown has a spell over the poor boy or the child is just terrified for his life.

4. I don't know about you, but if I had a box with a clown the same size as me popping out, I'd be peeing my pants. There's no way that's supposed to be a toy.

I hate clowns! So if you ever happen to come across a clown related item and feel the need to give it away to your nearest thrift store, STOP! Take it out back, pour some gasoline over it, hire a priest to exorcist it, and proceed to light that sucker up in flames!

One, two, Bozo's coming for you...

So you take two of the worst possible children's fears and put them together and what do you get?


Behold Bozo Krueger.

Freddy Krueger meets Bozo the Clown? Yeah, that's what it is, I'm afraid to say...

Fear of Clowns

I'm sorry my fellow coulrophobics, but this entry must be made. Do you have any idea how many creepy ass clown pieces I am forced to witness each time I walk through ANY thrift store!? Let me just point out a few examples...

It's too late to turn back now...


Happy the clown is not just here to wish you a special Happy Birthday... He's here to bite all little children's hands off! If you look closely, you can see a few blood splotches on his collar...


Now this guy from a distance may seem harmless, but let's look again. At first I just noticed his extremely dorky haircut, but upon second glance I noticed something far worse. This bashful little guy seems to be beckoning you into his magical clown room to nibble on his balloon animal. *shudders*


Oh good... It's just a clown display made for nurseries. Wait a minute! What babies don't cry at the sight of clowns!? Look at his evil eyes! Evil, I say!


Clowns made out of seashells... Yeah. Clowns... Made out of... Seashells. It seems as though someone found out what to do with all those crappy souvenirs from Florida, however, I can't say their new product is any less craptastic. Seriously, it's like clowns came back to life from tremendous amounts of destruction only to take shelter in a hard shell. If you think killing these clowns off will be easy, think again! Beware the clown crustaceans! And one is missing an arm... Ew.


And then there is Faceless the clown who appears to be a friendly, lovable circus clown holding a bundle of balloons for the kiddies... With, of course, a beating club buried beneath those balloons. I don't think I can think of anything scarier than a faceless clown with a club... Well, aside from that nightmare inducing Pilsbury Dough Boy in the background eager to stab you with a butcher's knife...

For now the chapter ends with these clown tales, but know that our quest to rid our life of these nightmares is far from over. After all, there is a reason why clown memorabilia is one of the top items located in thrift stores...