Allies

After over a year of hiatus, we have decided that this blog is too hilarious to let fester in disuse. We're back, with more awful atrocities than ever and a new look to top it off. That being said, I'd like to start things off with a hilarious album.

Looking at this album cover, your first impression may well be "what the fuck! I didn't know Air Supply released a hair metal album!" But behind all of the blue-to-heliotrope gradients, gold embossing and overexposed black and white photography, you'll find a pitifully obscure 80's act that sounds like a phoned-in combination of Rick Springfield and Peter Cetera. Just check out a video of track 1, which shows us another hilarious album cover:



Immediately we're assaulted by the most generic keyboard riff I've ever heard. I had to wake myself up to catch these lyrics:

From the day you are born,
there's a battle goin' on in your soul,
comes a time in your life,
when you've gotta give somebody control.

This is it, time is now,
and the change should be like day and night.
it's so hard to hold out,
but it's easy when you give up the fight.

All you life, he's wanted you,
he's wanted you,
he's cared for you,
I'm tellin' you.

Now you know he loves you so,
SURRENDER!

Ok, I've fucking had enough. Either this is a song about a stalker, or I've stumbled upon some sort of Christian music disguised as synth-driven 80's rock, a normally awesome style of music. Needless to say, this crap belongs in the circular file.

Record roundup

What in the name of Apollo is going on in album cover? I know Chaka Khan is a terrible, annoying 80's loudmouth, but are they trying to imply that she's going to drug that poor girl who she's playing dress-up with? And all under the watchful eye of whoever the fuck's standing in the doorway with that creepy-ass grin. This is more messed up than ANY Roger Whittaker album.

Magic my ass

The magic of? Dude, if this guy's magic attracts women with caterpillar eyelashes, I don't want any part of it! Look at those things!

-k8

Record Roundup - Roger Whittaker

If you hang out at thrift stores as much as I do, you'll get to know Roger Whittaker fairly well. He's a veteran of those piles of crappy records that no one ever buys nor ever will buy. Just take a look at this douche:


If you're familiar with this blog, you'll know what I'm thinking...

Side part: Check
Mustache: Check
Horrible 70's Glasses: Check

Just from picking up this album, I knew what contents awaited me inside. I have never been wrong about a creepy guy whose face is all over an album cover like this. Just listen:



Game, set, and match. Damn I'm good.

-j-on

First Record Roundup

Most audio aficionados will agree that there is something special about vinyl. Its warm analog timbre has colored some of the greatest music of yesterday's generations. There are of course timeless masterpieces that nearly everyone has owned, thousands of copies of which end up in thrift stores across the country.

Then there are these.

Any fan of vinyl knows that as well as classics there are some comically awful records out there. It's appalling just how many records have been made with album art that has absolutely no regard to taste, decency, or a sense of respect for humankind. It's disturbing how easy it is to find everything from sexual innuendos to rediculous fashon to straight up unintended hilarity in album art. If it's a vinyl record, odds are it's not safe from our watchful eyes.

This first gem was found in amongst a stack of Ferrante and Teicher, Lawrence Welk, and Mario Lanza records that have been sitting in a local thrift store for the better part of two years, very seldom touched:



These guys are flying high, all right, but it's not on love. There must be a pharmaceutical explanation for hair this great. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I see Mr. T in his pre-gold chain days, Jimi Hendrix, Tito Jackson, Rick James, and Jesus (in the back with the handlebar mustache and the flat-ironed hair). What an amazing super-group!

Then this jumped out at me:


I am perplexed by this album. I have searched sex offender databases far and wide for this guy's name, yet I can't find him. Maybe there's a rational explanation, like that he's dead. Regardless, check out the song titles. I can guarantee you that Almost Paradise, Wanting You, Near You and most definitely The High and the Mighty are about 12-year-old boys. "But wait!" you say. "How do you know that this guy isn't just extremely creepy?" Easy! Two reasons. First:



Notice the slightly up-turned uncomfortable grin. This is the equivalent to a giant rotating beacon that says "I like to touch little boys." The other way to tell that his intentions are less-than-noble: just ask yourself if you'd let him be alone with your kids. Thought not.

j-on