A food not typically sold in log form

Sausage gravy is sludgy, greasy, and if there's a faster way to clog your heart, I am at a loss to name it. So, in the grand American tradition of making it easier than ever for us to eat our fat asses to death,

Nightmare Couch

With all of the obvious stains and tears on this beauty, how can you go wrong? This couch has a lot of history. Questionable history, but history all the same.

Call the police!

If there is any reason why someone would want or need a statue of a cop, I don't know it.

Another Friday Night Video?

I just installed Blogger on my phone, so now I can bring you the worst thrift store nightmares from anywhere on earth.

That being said, let's look at this turd of a VHS tape I found. Featuring unknown artist "Kenny Marks", this video is not only offensive to the sensibilities because of the guy's terrible yet cheap 80s haircut, it is that much more insulting because this prick presumes that I have nothing better to do with a Friday night than to watch this garbage. If I had to choose between spending my Friday night with this asshole and sticking a hot iron to my face, I'll take the iron any day.

Lastly, it seems that this video comes from a church, so I must assume that this is another thinly veiled Christian rock act trying to disguise itself as "hip" music, much like that awful Allies band I reviewed a couple entries back. I examined the cover thoroughly but found no references to Jesus, so I can only assume that upon listening to this garbage, we'd be treated to a generic keyboard line and then BAM! Profession of undying love for Jesus.

Needless to say, I threw this right back into the bin I dug it out of.

Springtime Crafts

For everyone, that is, if you're a unibrowed 70's kid.

Thanks to my tubular friend Sarah from down under for sending me this monstrosity.

ARMOR OF GOD

Straight out of the Crusades, this charming bracelet will invoke god's fury to protect you from evildoers, charlatans, and mischief-makers. Now featuring metal clasp and high quality stamped cross.

Demeneted Doll Head with Hair Plugs

Are you a deadbeat uncle on a budget? Then this cheaply made doll head is perfect. It may not provide quality, but it certainly will provide quantity, especially when paired with a deformed baby doll or a bag of Mexican mystery candy.

Pocket Pedo

How awesome is this? I can have a creepy-ass dude with a beard that screams "you gonna get raped" peek over "picture frames, bulletin boards, shirt pockets, jeans, pockets, pocket books, novels and all sorts of other places". What those other places may be I will leave up to you to decide.

Iron Eagles

Nothing says "American pride" like these wonderful... well I was going to say "weapons", but upon closer inspection, these would all make terrible weapons. What purpose do these things serve? Are they intended to actually be used, or are they meant to sit in the basement bedroom of a neckbeard who has delusions about fighting people with these shitty blades? Usually, the people who own crap like this think it gives them some sort of authority or ability to fight that they didn't have before. If I had a dollar for every time someone has said "I have this knife if someone breaks in my house" I'd have like sixty four dollars.

Upon more closely inspecting the one on the right, I"m convinced that that is some sort of glass blade. Ok, good luck with that, Mr. Neckbeard defending your house. I'm positive that you'd have better luck striking the assailant with the injection molded eagle handle.

Wrestling

I'm sure it is, Timmy. Make sure those tights fit really snug and remember to oil yourself up before each match.